I am starting to hate existing less.
A thought that at one point seemed unfathomable.
“I will always wish for the blood to stop coursing through my veins.”
I remember how that thought sat in my brain; how I let it eat at me.
I screamed, I yelled, I kicked.
“I will always pray to be six feet under the ground.”
I blew out the candles for my eighteenth birthday.
Why does life have to be so long?

I etched lines into my skin.
I carved mountains and rivers and valleys and dunes.
I made art where there was none.
I painted pictures of what I wanted to see, what I thought should be there.
I sculpted a person as hard as rock.
I used tools as sharp as steel.
I only knew how to destroy.
I forgot how to build.
Plastered on smiles,
Words like swords,
I feigned rays of sunshine
Whilst throwing myself in a thousand different directions.
Anything to make you want me.
Anything to make me care.

I am staring to hate existing less.
Today I am an existentialist.
Tomorrow a Buddhist.
I am both sinner and saint.
I do not know how.
Uncertainty is nothing new.
“I am whimsical,” I say to you.
As you try to strip me of my wings.
But I want nothing tying me down.
You don’t know how it is to live without gravity.
You do not understand.
You could not understand.
Self destruction is
the only way I stay alive.

There are magic stones
that make me not fear.
I am in a prison of my own security.
I am well versed in the act of nonexistence.
This I can do well.
I may not know how to live,
but I know how to die.
I need it, I crave it.
I have the world at my fingertips and I toss it to the ground.
“Not this life,” I say.
As if I can pick and choose when consciousness is worth it.

This skill is not only learned,
It is taught.
I am a byproduct of passive aggressive.
A reminder of your mistakes.
Too much, too much, too much.
“Yes, I accept your pleas,”
I say to the world.
I will make myself small.
I will shrink into nothing.

I wait for the day for the sun to rise.
I long for the day to slay my dragons with a shining blade of steel.
It does not come.
This time I am quiet.
This time I stop asking
and I wait for my soul to speak.
I am not patient,
But I don’t have the will to fight.
Tenacity only got me so far.
And it is in the silence
Where I found the strength to let it in.

As smooth as a wind,
subtle, somber.
I let it come inside of me.
It whispers.
And this time I will allow
it to be true.
It is in the silence
that I find my salvation.
I am starved and bruised and hollow
But I know I am not done.
This whisper is my battle cry.
I will wait for my voice to catch up.
I will sing it from mountain tops.
I will soon say it-
Those magic words:
“I am stating to hate existing less.”
And I will mean it.

kilipains:

a thrilling series

quantumfemme:

OH MY GOD

(Source: gradientlair)

sexartandpolitics:

EEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

deviantart: knockmeout

My life is complete

(Source: shyanncat)

silohouettes:

I hate when a person says they’ve had a bad day and everyone, instead of trying to cheer them up, enters a competition of who’s had the shittest life

(Source: simplefoetus)

brokeandthesuburbs:

posttragicmulatto:

evolutia:

Watch the video first.

An 11-year-old boy on Newfoundland’s Baie Verte Peninsula is the victim of racism and extreme bullying, according to family members who say they’re all at their breaking point.

Grade 5 student Torrence Collier is the only black child in the town of Westport, which has a population of about 200.

The Colliers moved back to Westport from Saskatchewan about a year and a half ago, and say that soon after, the bullying began, along with physical assaults.

"I feel kind of scared," said Torrence Collier. "And I ask myself, ‘Why does everybody hate me so much?’"

Heather Collier said her son endures daily, endless slurs and threats at St. Peter’s Academy in Westport.

She said comments have included the N-word, as well as other insults like “rapist.”

When asked by CBC whether anything has been done about the Colliers’ complaints, the Newfoundland and Labrador English School District said in a statement that it has held diversity and anti-bullying presentations for all students at St. Peter’s Academy.

The school board said that a director will be sent out to speak with the Colliers in the coming days.

School like a prison, mom says

Torrence Collier said the insults are tough.

"I feel horrible about myself," he said. "And sometimes, I wonder if they’re right. If I am all those things that they call me."

Heather Collier said the issue came to a head in March, when she found a note handwritten by her son.

"He had stated in there that he wanted to die, and he couldn’t take the daily bullying any more," she said.

The Colliers said that for their son, school is now more like a prison. He is supervised during the entire school day, and uses a separate washroom to avoid attacks.

Family sought counselling

Torrence has been approved to transfer to a school in nearby Baie Verte in September. But his mother said she worries that even if they can manage the longer commute, it might not solve the situation.

"Where do we go? How do we stop this?" Heather Collier asked.

"Because even if he does go [to] Copper Ridge School, we still got the concern with the summer."

The Colliers have contacted the local health authorities, seeking counselling for their son.

The deputy mayor of Westport said she knew nothing about the allegations until a local CBC-TV broadcast aired on Tuesday, adding that as far as she knew, the town has never discriminated against anyone.

Unlike other Canadian jurisdictions, the school district in Newfoundland and Labrador is a provincially run body, and has no direct affiliation with town authorities.

I can relate to this story on a personal level. I like Torrence am a transracial adoptee and the subject of cruel and relentless bullying from attending a predominantly white school. It’s absolutely ridiculous. This is a viewpoint of the bullying perspective that you never see, a Black child pushed to the point of considering suicide, at 11 years of age, you never see  anti- bullying campaigns focus in on Black children that are victims of harassment and assault. 

In one of the reports that I’ve read, Torrence was dunked in a toilet for so long by bullies that he developed an infection. It’s inhumane.

And if you pay attention, this is in Canada. When it comes to racism, Canada, you aren’t off the hook. You cannot utilize the US to hide your own racism.

Links:

cbc

westernstar

Facebook page offering support to Torrence

My heart breaks for this little boy. 

This is so upsetting.

the-goddamazon:

THAT WAS LITERALLY MY FACE BECAUSE HER DESCRIPTION IS TRUE AS SHIT

(Source: whyarethe-robots-so-sad)

(Source: wirrow.com)

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